Okay ladies, lads and lassies, I honestly can’t remember the exact date of my last post, except – it’s been far too long. Actually so long, my Instagram is becoming more and more the go-to, if you want to know what’s up in this transgender, autistic mind of mine.
I mean, what’s easy about Instagram is that it has a typo limit, so sooner or later (which to me mostly feels like sooner) it stops my stream of thoughts. I’m forced to keep it short – and I don’t do short very well.
And yes, I am fully aware that saying that, a lot of you who follow me there, are going to go like “Errhh, that shit ain’t short, Elias”.
Well – they are to me.
But point taken, I will take notes and try to stick to them.
So without further a do, let’s kick this bloody New Year’s post off, shall we?
The Illness Amongst Bloggers
You may be a blogger. You may not be. If you are not, then maybe you just like to read blogs. I can understand that – a lot of great and amazing content is created outthere. If you ask me, I’m convinced I’m fortunate enough to be connected to some of the best, so you can always find amazing content if you check out my followers list – regardless of your preferred genre.
But something makes me frown in blogosphere:
Every time someone had a minor break from their blog, they write a big apologetic blog post. It can be a vacation, it can be work overload, it can be a serious break down… and I call it the illness amongst bloggers, because – well, try and say the following sentences out loud:
I’m sorry I had to go on vacation and take some time off.
I’m sorry that I work a full-time job on the side to actually pay my bills and for prioritizing that.
I’m sorry for getting so stressed out, I could hardly breathe and for crying myself to sleep instead of writing a new blogpost.
Do you see what I mean?
We are apologizing for being human!
A lot of us are blogging, while doing full time or part time jobs, while being on sick leave or studying – is it really any wonder, that every now and then we need to catch our breaths? Why should that not be okay?
Let me level with you; I was two frantic micro inches on a speed rage from doing the same with this post. I’m getting uncomfortable NOT writing “I’m sorry” as I keep writing.
Which A) is ridiculous because it’s written on a computer so anytime I can go back and re-write – or simply not make it public… and B) it might even be why I’m in a particularly snarky mood, because I need to hide my feel of lacking, behind dark and dumb humour.
(To those of you who know that I tend to do that anyway, please don’t tell the others.)
I’m not going to tell you what you should do.
All I’m saying is, it makes me really sad to see blogger colleagues making heart felt excuses – for what essentially is being human.
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”
Yeah, the dude quoted Dirty Dancing… Get over it!
On a final, more serious note on the matter: treat yourself with kindness in 2020. And don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself, when shit hits the fan. You are entitled to be human, my friend.
What’s up with Rocking the Spectrum?
But – as I started out by saying – I myself have taken quite some time off. Plenty of reasons, which only goes to show that following me on Insta is the most sure-fire way to keep tabs on me. If you follow me there, you will know that I have switched internship to a place that has the capacity to evolve my knowledge. You will also know that I have had two appointments with the Center for Gender Re-Assignment in Aalborg and am now waiting for my third appointment and gyno appointment, the latter determining if I’m 1) physically able to take testostorone treatment and 2) the dosage and finally – after those appointments – 3) if I’m granted the treatment.
I expect all of that to take place in April, May and June.
March is my Gender ID number milestone, where I will finally be listed in the public system as male.
And after 6 months on T (testosterone) I can be accepted for top surgery if my BMI is below 25 and I don’t smoke, drink etc. Building muscles in the chest area is a huge bonus as this will help the surgeon shape the pecs-to-be.
So… I don’t really need to tell you how frecking excited I am, do I?
Especially since my self-perception is getting increasingly different from the physical reality these days – I now find it extremely hard to actually recognise myself in the mirror. Not because I’ve changed too fast, but because I automatically check for eg. stubs (which I don’t have) and constantly get surprised about seeing that feminine face. My voice sounds wrong. Imagine talking, and someone else’s voice comes out of your mouth, and you’ll get the idea.
Incase you don’t know – dysphoria sucks!
All of this means that you will find more trans-related topics on my blog in the future. I will also be sharing bits of cooking and fitness, as this is part of my process. And you will find the usuals; reviews, posts on autism, bits from the garden…
There are two rather huge things in my life right now that I will share more of, when time is due.
I’m currently writing a book. The title is Ridiculously Happy and it’s going to be stretched out between piss ant humour and pitch dark reality. Or for the music fans – my writing playlist has Ingrid Michaelson “You and I” and Placebo “Running Up That Hill” (Kate Bush cover) on it – ONLY those two songs. It will give you a sense of the span.
And I’m developing a Stress Identifyer & Analysis method, due to my own plate being too damn full and me being occasionally on the verge of exhaustion. That made me come up with a way to create an overview and get constructive with dealing with the stressors. I can’t wait to share it with you – but I’m test-running it myself, to fix the major flaws, and then I’ll need to have a few others do the same and provide some feed back.
Like I said, a LOT is on my plate right now, so in the beginning of 2020 my posts here are not going to be as regularly published as I’d like. But to keep tabs, Instagram is the place to go. It feeds my visuality and desire to play with photos and expressions – and I have to keep it short (-er).
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Love Took Me by Surprice
Very shortly, coming out as trans cost me my relationship. I have no hard feelings. I did at first, but I get it. Some may call it intolerance but what you have to remember is that not all of us are pansexual or bisexual.
I then decided that it might be for the best, with transitioning and all, that I was single. Actually the thought got pretty intriguing, so I ended up being very content with my new status.
I fell TOTALLY and COMPLETELY and UTTERLY insanely in love.
Which only goes to show that some things you just can’t plan. And if we are going to be frank for a while – isn’t that really the better way? That we can’t plan our way out of everything?
I have gone from believing that there were several people out there that could match a heart, to believing in the one and only. Yeah, I’m getting soft, but there is really no way around it: I physically and mentally feel in every cell of my vessel and mind, that I have found my missing Half. Being away from her physically hurts. She can see past every little mask and right into the very center of my core. There are no detours! She can look at me and ask me what’s up and make ME realise that I am actually feeling a bit off.
She is my Greek Goddess, my Nerdy Queen, and her laughter creates bubbles and waterfalls and sparkly rainbows in my chest. She is completely badass, resilient and creative and there is no better feeling than having her in my arms, with her head resting on my shoulder. Not because “she depends on me” (because she doesn’t, not really) but because she wants to. Because it feels right. As right as the sun is setting every morning in the east.
My soul’s twin.
The echo of my heart.
I’m going to leave there for a bit – but she is a major reason why smiling, in spite of multiple exhausting personal trials, comes so easy.
Incase you missed this…
My Personal Goal for 2020
So, we have covered the expected future for Rocking the Spectrum and we’ve been catching up a bit.
Of course, 2020 holds a lot off seriously big changes for me, for which I need to prepare in various ways.
But my main goal for 2020 has nothing to do with the blog. It has nothing to do with the hormones or surgery.
My goal for 2020 is
– to define for myself what is means to be a man,
– to define my values and what it means to be a good man
– and ultimately HOW I want to be a good man.
Maybe this sounds odd. But something happened and my role models were torn assunder. It’s a huge part of what’s exhausted me lately.
So after the initial “earthquake” I went all Thanos, grabbed the filthy gloves, that used to be white and said “All right, I’ll do this myself, then!”.
I’m a fairly decent guy, ya know – give or take a few written and verbal profanities, that may or may not be called for – so I should be fully capable of defining the good man for myself.
In fact, I intend to hit the frecking ball out of the stadium.
Happy New Year, Mother Fudgers!
We have reached the end.
My wishes for you – whether we are connected on social media or not – is that you will have a 2020, where you feel safe, where you feel inspired and where you feel loved.
Remember, you can find me on Twitter and Instagram and you can always subscribe to the blog if you want to be sure to read what I write. In fact, why don’t you? Come and join the Rocking Spectrum family. We have cookies… sort of!
Take the best of care, me hearties.