You know that thing, when you wake up in the morning, but you’re not really awake yet and still not asleep? At these moments, you sometimes get these epiphanies that seem to put everything into place, ideas for books or blogposts, a problem dealt with reveals a magical solution – or you finally know the answer to a certain question, you’ve been struggling with.
This morning, in that grey zone between consciousness and The Dreamy Dead Lands, a thought wriggled it’s way through The Fog. The Fog is a particular odd place, where dreams become a mash up between Alice In Wonderland and The Night Before Christmas, sometimes adding a little 50 Shades of Grey – with accompanied sounds from the real life and day waiting – in my case, the sound of cats selfproclaimingly starving for food (they’re not! They are infact slightly overweight!). The things is, it’s really hard to cling to that thought, because sometimes you lose it as you ascend from The Fog. I only remember a fragment of the total: Life isn’t complicated!
Having taken anti psychotics before bed, to help me sleep (been struggling to get sleep the past couple of weeks), you need to keep in mind, that all of this is potentially just me hearing colours and tasting sounds! Which is why, as I went by my morning routine, as I described to you guys in Litter Boxes and Rainbows, I argued with my Foggy Revelation. Of course, life is complicated! We have so many people being depressed, mental issues, increasing hate and division – how is that not complicated?
Then, halfway through my second cup of coffee is started to dawn on me. Life is not meant to be complicated. We are making it complicated.
If you think about it, the very thing that physically keeps us alive, our vessels of flesh, blood and bone, is completely automatized. Heartbeat, drawing breath, digesting food… all of that is coded into our systems to ensure that it works from the get go. We don’t think about it. Unless something blocks the signals, our physical lives are run by autopilot.
Now think about this: if you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ll know that therapists tend to ask “what do you make of that?” – because we already know the answer. Problem is we’ve built layers and layers of perceived external expectations, of trauma, of experience, that either guide us towards selfdoubt or selfworth. We’ve blocked the signal! So we need someone to help us dig our own truths out of the sand. Have you ever tried digging a hole at a dry beach – sand is the most infuriating thing to dig in!
Somehow, we always know the answers to our own conundrums. Probably because life – and selfpreservation – is automatized.
We are living a life uncomplicated – but complicating things, with our own thoughts and feelings. But it’s easier to blame life, maybe?
So, already, before 8am, on my third cup of full blown caffeine (yeah, I take it that black. People who say orange or pink is the new black is lying: black is always the new black), I would be neglecting you lot, if I didn’t try to challenge that thought by an attempt of exemplifying the theory.
I have, as you know, been fighting mental illness and mental issues for the largest part of my life. I don’t need to go further back than yesterday to remember I too have thought “life is complicated”. Yesterday, I dealt with the subject of “life to be”. I had all these dreams before and after my diagnosis, for how my life was supposed to be, what I wanted from it, and all the time, walls shot up from my sublayers of consciousness. But I have Aspergers, so that would probably stress me out. But who would like what I do? Why would anyone care? What would my family think? I don’t have a proper education to get the job I want. I don’t have the means to pay for the education. I’m just a little girl (technically a grown woman) in a small country, that most people never heard of, before we got compared to Venezuela on FOX News.
Excuses and perceived expections!
Fact of the matter is, I want to write! It is me, myself and I, that are adding layers to that, like “successful”, “making impact”, “leave a fingerprint of sunlight” and there’s a lot more, where that comes from. But cut down to the essentials: I want to write.
The crude epiphany this morning was… I’m already doing it! Not making a living out of it, but I am writing, for that very simple reason that I can’t help myself. I can’t stop writing. It’s completely impossible for me not to communicate thoughts, feelings and ideas to whoever bothers to read.
It is me, who essentially creates layers needed, for it to be perceived acceptable. Like, “if it doesn’t pay the bills, it’s not really writing”. Of course it is – you are reading these words at this very moment. Or “it’s not really groundbreaking what I come up with, so it’s not really worth reading”! Well, since I don’t really strive for a Nobel Prize in Literature, then what does that matter, anyway? It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking (anyone who’s read a Danielle Steele novel knows that). It just has to be felt. Or what about the most ridiculous thoughts I’ve thrown at myself: “but I’m not pretty enough to be successfull”! I have told myself this over a couple of decades and as I’m writing this, I actually want to fetch a frying pan and hit myself over the head – hard! Like, fucking bludgeoning myself half to death! What the fuck is that all about? No one who reads what anyone writes, can see the writer behind the words. It doesn’t make sense! Or yes, it does, but it really doesn’t. We are so used to this day and age with photoshopping, filters and what nots, that we believe success only can be achieved by being pretty. I can’t be the only one having told myself that. The reason I want to hit myself thinking like this, is because I genuinely perceive every woman outthere as beautiful in her own unique manner. But I cannot seem to give myself that curtisy. The other day I got an app, where I could reshape my face. Not only adding filters, but actually changing the size of my nose, my eyes, my jaw – everything. The app said it was to “enhance your natural beauty”. The funny thing is, when I was done, I could still reckognize myself, but as I checked the “before” image, I was shocked. And possibly even more discontent with my actual natural appearance than ever before. I also realized that to achieve that image, I’d have to undergo some pretty gruesome plastic surgery. So I did the only sensible thing there was to do: I deleted the app! And if you have that app, “Face-lab”, you should too.
Again, to venture back, fact is, I’m already doing what I love to do. There is not a single person on this planet – or beyond – that can stop me from doing it. Writing. Fishing for words, syllables and sentences in the dark and mystrious ocean of creativity and experienced torment and love. There are people outthere that I know feel lonely in their own mental fight. If I can do anything to reach, touch and maybe even give a little hope, then that’s what I’ll do. I want to leave rays of sunlight in my readers. I want to advertize for thinking for one self, for selfworth and selfconfidence… it doesn’t mean I’m good at those things. It just means, I believe we should work on that and be aware of the situations where we seem to fight ourselves.
So I will keep writing. Maybe one day it’ll be more than a hobby, maybe it will brings some sort of income, directly or indirectly – maybe it wont. But each and every one of you is part of my online family and I love all of you.
So, anyone wanna share their own example of something in your life, that you really know the answer to, but somehow wont admit you know the answer to? Have you discovered situations where the solution seems simple and yet, you struggle with those walls that pop up out of no where? Please feel free to share – would love to hear your thoughts:-*
Take care, my precioussesssesss!
Ps: By the way – in the beginning I used a filtered photo…why not show you the unfiltered original?
This post is a part of my “Happy October” series, that started October 1st with “Litter boxes and rainbows”. You can get notifications on new posts, by subscribing to lindavlind.dk in the sidebar. Wanna see the other posts of Happy October, you just click the tag “Happy October” in the sidebar or use the search bar.