No Smoking Field Report/part 5/3 weeks

No Smoking Field Report/part 5/3 weeks

November 5, 2018 0 By Elias


Yeah, I know!

I skipped the 2nd week anniversary. Shame on me! But in my defense, I was last Monday in a meeting with my mentor, who kind of put me through some tough tasks…or actually she did some and then made me do some. It all was for the greater good – and it did turn out to be an immense relief, once it was done (and I had gone through a lot of sleep).

Then the days just kinda went by, my favorite band Slipknot made a surprice release, I think I got the hang of the CSS on designing this website and then that kinda made my hyperfocus some more.

You see, that’s the thing with Aspergers – or at least how I experience it – if something grabs my attention, I loose focus on what I am supposed to do and focus on the interesting things. And last week, me quitting the cigarettes just wasn’t the most exciting thing on my mind.

Which is a good thing, because logically that means one thing and one thing only: I still have not smoked. I have not caved into the need.

I think maybe I have put on some weight though! It’s a bit hard to tell, because with a latent eating disorder, I’m not really keen on jumping up on the scale, because that might trigger some shit. Add to the fact that it’s that time of the month (girls, ya know what I mean – guys, fucking deal with it!), so hormones are pretty much doing their thing at the moment – well, not now, but last week. That one time every month where hormones makes you look like a puffer fish puffed!

But it would be logical and somewhat inevitable to gain weight. Not pleased with it, not the slightest, and I’m stressing a bit about it, because even though I constantly tell myself – but mostly other women – that they should not be so concerned with their appearance, I’m really a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to that. Or it’s the eating disorder talking, I don’t know. The point is, I am no where near as cool, calm and collected about it as I should be. But I also know that I will have to do one lifestyle change at a time. I’m eager to eat healthier, to exercise to get whatever weight off that I gain, but one. Step. At. A. Time.

I wouldn’t say the past week has been hard. It has sort of changed from a craving into a missing, a lack of something rather than a need for something. That’s when I eat instead – so I gotta figure out a way to deal with that.

Nicotine gum and spray hasn’t really been used all that much either. So it could be a good thing. It could also be that I’m making it a little harder for myself in the long run. Time will tell.

But it’s a new time now…instead of feeling incredibly sorry for myself and the lack of cigarettes, I’m becoming rather proud (plus, my nose is back on track with the smelling, so I can actually smell now whenever I pass a smoker on the street – I fucking kid you not – and I am somewhat mortified!) – so I am, what shall we call it…

– cautiously hopeful. Increasingly optimistic.

Yeah, let’s go with that.

I’ll get back to you – there are actually more news, but right now it’s just a little bit too soon to tell. So I’ll have to leve you hanging there… ha ha, yeah, that’s cruel. I could’ve shut up about it and just said goodbye, but no…

Hey, I’m trying to build anticipation here. I want you to be curious enough to come visit me again, so I’m not gonna get lonely. You get that don’t you?!

This is about the time Puss in Boots in Shrek makes his big big eyes, with his hat in his hands!

You wouldn’t want me to be lonely here, do you?

Come back please… I have more news to share… but not now, not yet. Too soon.

I’m so sorry – I’m rambling. I’ll go punish myself for that, while you roll your eyes at me…

But guess what…

This little puffer fish still luvs ya <3

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