My dearest, my butterflies, my rays of sunshine….
I’m not going to lie to you. What you are about to read is as honest and fresh as it gets.
Yesterday I had this amazing blogpost on my mind for you today. After today’s work at Special Minds it was still cooking on my mind and I was looking forward to writing it, when I got home. It was probably as happy as a Happy October post could be.
Then I got the text! It was from My Lady, with a message from our landlord – I wont bother you with the details, but suffice to say, it’s financial, short deadline and I don’t know how to get that kind of money so fast. FYI – it’s not the rent or any of the regular things.
Now, most of you are probably going to be like “WTF!?” and call the landlord. Or some other kind of constructiveness.
My autistic reaction
Me, I head – and headed – for a full melt down. My autistic mind just can’t cope with unexpected things – and especially not things that will threaten our home. Home, to most autistics, is the only safe place on the planet. The only place you relax. Before my mind went completely south, I wrote a mail to my union asking if they had reduced fees for people on social welfare. It wont change things right now, but if they do have it, it might give us a little room to breathe in the future. After that I wrote a very long and confusing mail to my mentor, who has my case in the social system. Just two fucking days ago, we agreed that we should change the frequency of the meetings from once a week to once every two weeks, because things were going great. I felt like such a failure, writing that mail today. So embarressed!
Usually music helps me regroup and structure the chaotic fragments of mind explosions, so I went to the bedroom, got under the sheets, headphones on and pressed play. Took deep breaths. Tried to focus on the patterns of the music. Cried. Tried to focus again. Cried even more. Lost it. Like, really lost it!
My record of three, almost four months without self harm collapsed. It calmed me down a bit. Then I hated myself even more for being so weak, which led to further harm to the extend, that I now find it hard to walk, due to the pain from the fresh scars. My head hurts from the crying and my eyes are annoyingly swollen and warm.
Yeah, I know the selfharm is bad! But I got off cheap! I’m embarressed to say that I was thinking about doing much worse shit than “just” self harm. I’d had it. I am so fed up with constantly fighting to keep my head above waterline. My Happy October posts were starting to affect me positively, but I guess you can never account for the shit coming from everywhere else.
Let’s not forget the good news
You see, yesterday I found out that Slipknot will be touring Europe summer 2019 – in my POV, more importantly Denmark. Unfortunately it’s as a part of a festival, which I have no idea how to get through with my autism, and festivals are way more expensive than a regular concert, so that was – and is – a challenge too. But I didn’t care! Come anxiety, panic attacks and melt downs – I would figure out some way to make it happen. Just for once, to experience it first hand and not on the IPad screen on You Tube. I was so excited about the news.
Work today was actually great – I had a very good meeting with my job consultant, raised the number of weekly hours a bit and got to work with things more in tune with what I want to do in the future. Progress! I went home proud and happy with that progress…just to realize that even when I succeed I apparantly don’t succeed fast or well enough.
Those two things were my happy news and I had all sorts of crazy metaphors and multicoloured sunlight for you guys.
Fuck FML – FMB instead!
But I was reminded that I cannot outrun my diagnosis. All the happy unicornpoop in the world will not prevent a melt down, if it hits the “right” triggers. Just as amazing my Asperger-brain can be, just as two-faced, back-stabbing it can be.
I’m selling it cheap, if anyone’s interested! I mean, any of you normal, not mentally ill cupcakes and muffins wanna know how it’s like, I’m up for a brain swap. And while you take my brain for a testride, I’m gonna run and hide, so you can’t find me again. No backsies!
Some of you might think I’m crossing a line. That I “shouldn’t make jokes about mental illness or psychiatric diagnoses”. Well, guess what, it’s my illness and my diagnoses and sometimes the dark and dry jokes are what I have to pull me through. Deal with it or find something else to read!
Back to the happy(-ier) message
Now, how can this possibly be a Happy October post?
Of the bad things I’ve done today, I did one thing right.
I wrote a mail to my mentor.
I asked for help.
I felt embarressed doing it. Like a failure.
But I asked for help nevertheless. Instead of the next meeting being 10 days away, she changed the appointment so she will be here in two days, and she will help me sort out the economical chaos – or help me search for ways to sort it out. She will help me restructure and organize.
This Happy October post’s message is:
Never be afraid to ask for help. Reach out, even if it feels like it’s the hardest thing, you’ve ever done. It’s easier said than done, I know. If you know that you suck at asking for help and you struggle too, then here’s a little low practical advice: post-it’s! Post-its on the mirror, the refrigirator, the bedpost, the windows – all of them with written encouragements of reaching out and asking for help. Don’t let yourself forget the importance of this.
And with that I’m going to wish you a good nights sleep. I’m going to finish my tea (because I’m also having a cold and a fever) and see if I can get some sleep, before I take on tomorrow with hopefully refreshed fierceness.
Stay strong and shine bright!
This post is a part of my “Happy October” series, that started October 1st with “Litter boxes and rainbows”. You can get notifications on new posts, by subscribing to lindavlind.dk in the sidebar. Wanna see the other posts of Happy October, you just click the tag “Happy October” in the sidebar or use the search bar. Feel free to comment or share your own rays of sunshine in the section below.